Mother

At the bathroom sink I see you
Dabbing your eyes in the mirror
Running mascara
Mess in the wastebasket
You don't know I am watching you

Vacant look in your eyes
You twist the cap off the bottle
Maybe the pills will fill the emptiness this time

Makeup, curling iron, eyeliner pencils, hairclips
Strewn all over the counter
You still don't know I see you
Back into your bedroom
Sink your head into your hands
Perched on the edge of the bed

There's no more fighting now
No more shouting now
Daddy's gone away for good this time
11 years old, I have to become the man of the house
I don't miss him or his violent rage
But I'm not sure what's going to happen now that he's gone

I know where the gun under the bed is
I know there are bullets in the chamber
Daddy showed it to me before he left
I know Mom knows where it is too
Every day the fear, the image
Races through my brain
That maybe she might use it

The little boy that is me
Watches quietly
As the unpredictable force of nature
My mother
For once is not angry
For once is not loud
For once is not hurting me
But when she is alone
When all else is stripped away
All that is left is her despair

And the little boy that is me
Knows even then
That to hurt me so much
She must hurt a lot too.